Conflict

     Past: I never new my biological father.. but I had been privileged to live with my grandfather since I was born. He was my father. I loved him. I called him Toohey. Unfortunately, Toohey passed away a little over a year ago from Cancer. It was a mixture of agony and relief. Agony for losing him, and relief for not having to watch him suffer a moment longer. He had forgotten who I was by the end of it all. He passed away in my living room with my mother and gram by his side, as I lay in the next room, too afraid to be so close to death. It was all so completely and utterly overwhelming.
     I found myself incapable of coping with Tooheys death. I was losing interest in friends, school work, exercising, everything that used to be of any importance to me. I accepted help and was put on Citalopram. For those who would like a small description; Citalopram is in a class of antidepressants called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, which is a formal way of saying it works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps to maintain mental balance.
     My moods began to improve, I was regaining an awareness of what was important to me, and my patience improved tremendously. I no longer had trouble rising from bed, holding conversations or keeping a positive outlook on my life. I took this medication daily for over a year. I created new friendships, rebuilt old ones, and found a person I am so thankful to be sharing my life with. After feeling strong enough, I began to ween myself off of Citalopram. I had family, friends, and a loving boyfriend. I no longer felt the need for anything extra to keep my spirits high. It took between four to five months to be medication free.
     Present: I am now faced with a new conflict. Crying. Everything, and I mean everything makes me cry. As I have stopped taking Citaloprom, it has become a more and more prominent part of my character, and one that I am not fond of. I cannot seem to go anywhere without something or someone making me cry; A heart felt commercial, a play, a quote, a speech, an action, a child, an animal. I am a theater major and although I am constantly told to allow my emotions to "flow" I am beginning to wonder if this is too much. It is beginning to effect my relationships with people as well as my perception of myself. I feel weak and fragile. I cannot help but assume this has something to do with the now uneven chemical balances in my system.
      Future: I have been toying with the thought of once again taking Citalopram... but then what? Continue taking a medication forever? This is not a thought I am content with. I have researched my conflict; No I am not pregnant, and no I do not feel depressed any longer. Some people say that those having deeper connections with their emotions than others are considered Sensates. This is very rare but a possibility none the less. I am now faced with some tough decisions. I have always prided myself for being so in tune with all of my emotions at their deepest levels, and being able to connect with others, listen and give advice... but at what price? I worry that if I cannot maintain control of my own emotions, I could start another very familiar downward spiral. More importantly if I cannot help myself, how will I help anyone else? ...